Recently I joined a "club" that I never wanted to be a part of...the "I've had a miscarriage club." I never realized just how big this "club" is until I wound up becoming a member. Friends and family are coming out of the woodwork and I'm realizing just how many have gone through this horrific experience.
A little back story...a few days after Halloween I found out I was pregnant. It was a bit of a surprise pregnancy, but definitely a wanted pregnancy. We were going to start trying in November anyway, so we were excited. I had three weeks of happiness as I dreamed of our future child. Would it be a boy or another girl? Would it come early and arrive on our anniversary or come late and share a birthday with one of my other daughters? Would it arrive in time for my in-laws visit from back East? We'd even decided to tell family about it on Christmas. Finally it seemed things were starting to look up after a rough few months of house problems and illnesses. I was looking forward to my first appointment on December 9th, I couldn't wait for the ultrasound to see my little one.
Then, I started spotting one evening a little over a week ago. The next day it got worse and every day after was worse than that. On Monday, November 30th I went in for blood work. The results fell in this seemingly ginormous gray area between good numbers and bad numbers. I was back two days later for an ultrasound.
There was still a heart beat! We couldn't believe it! Unfortunately, our joy was only momentary. The doctor informed us that while there was still a heart beat we still had a greater than normal chance of miscarriage. She still wanted me to keep my appointment for the 9th, if the heart was still beating we had a chance. She prescribed some hormone drugs because my numbers were in that gray area and I was missing something that provides that hormone.
We left the office feeling cautiously optimistic. That optimism lasted all of about 24 hours. Then things started getting worse. By Friday night I was in a LOT of pain and shortly before midnight I officially lost the baby. I cried and cried and cried.
Then I became numb. How are you supposed to feel when your body fails? When your dream goes away like that? I'm just grateful I don't have to explain it to the kids, we hadn't told them yet. They just think mommy has been sick for the last week and a half.
I about lost it in church. I don't know why. But it was awful sitting there, I couldn't get it off my mind. Later at my daughter's dance recital I struggled again, but at least this time we were in a dark auditorium so no one could really see my face as I struggled to stay composed.
I'll be going along just fine, then, out of nowhere, I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. It sucks! This whole thing sucks!
I'm actually looking forward to my doctor's appointment in a couple days, even though I know I'll have a total meltdown afterward. I want answers of what to expect next. When will my body be back to normal? When can I start exercising (because on top of the emotional pain I have a lot of anger and need to channel it in a good way...take it out on the treadmill)? When can we start trying again?
At the same time I feel guilty for feeling so down about this. So many people have been through worse. Some of my friends and family have had stillborn babies, lost children they've loved and nurtured and watched grow (one for over 20 years) before losing them to illness, some have had multiple miscarriages or tubal pregnancies. I've had two relatively problem free pregnancies that ended with the birth of two of the world's most amazing little girls. I've only had this one miscarriage...why am I having such a pity party? What right do I have to feel so sad?
A little back story...a few days after Halloween I found out I was pregnant. It was a bit of a surprise pregnancy, but definitely a wanted pregnancy. We were going to start trying in November anyway, so we were excited. I had three weeks of happiness as I dreamed of our future child. Would it be a boy or another girl? Would it come early and arrive on our anniversary or come late and share a birthday with one of my other daughters? Would it arrive in time for my in-laws visit from back East? We'd even decided to tell family about it on Christmas. Finally it seemed things were starting to look up after a rough few months of house problems and illnesses. I was looking forward to my first appointment on December 9th, I couldn't wait for the ultrasound to see my little one.
Then, I started spotting one evening a little over a week ago. The next day it got worse and every day after was worse than that. On Monday, November 30th I went in for blood work. The results fell in this seemingly ginormous gray area between good numbers and bad numbers. I was back two days later for an ultrasound.
There was still a heart beat! We couldn't believe it! Unfortunately, our joy was only momentary. The doctor informed us that while there was still a heart beat we still had a greater than normal chance of miscarriage. She still wanted me to keep my appointment for the 9th, if the heart was still beating we had a chance. She prescribed some hormone drugs because my numbers were in that gray area and I was missing something that provides that hormone.
We left the office feeling cautiously optimistic. That optimism lasted all of about 24 hours. Then things started getting worse. By Friday night I was in a LOT of pain and shortly before midnight I officially lost the baby. I cried and cried and cried.
Then I became numb. How are you supposed to feel when your body fails? When your dream goes away like that? I'm just grateful I don't have to explain it to the kids, we hadn't told them yet. They just think mommy has been sick for the last week and a half.
I about lost it in church. I don't know why. But it was awful sitting there, I couldn't get it off my mind. Later at my daughter's dance recital I struggled again, but at least this time we were in a dark auditorium so no one could really see my face as I struggled to stay composed.
I'll be going along just fine, then, out of nowhere, I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. It sucks! This whole thing sucks!
I'm actually looking forward to my doctor's appointment in a couple days, even though I know I'll have a total meltdown afterward. I want answers of what to expect next. When will my body be back to normal? When can I start exercising (because on top of the emotional pain I have a lot of anger and need to channel it in a good way...take it out on the treadmill)? When can we start trying again?
At the same time I feel guilty for feeling so down about this. So many people have been through worse. Some of my friends and family have had stillborn babies, lost children they've loved and nurtured and watched grow (one for over 20 years) before losing them to illness, some have had multiple miscarriages or tubal pregnancies. I've had two relatively problem free pregnancies that ended with the birth of two of the world's most amazing little girls. I've only had this one miscarriage...why am I having such a pity party? What right do I have to feel so sad?
29 comments:
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I pray that your doctor appointment goes well and you can have some answers.
You have every right to feel sad about this! Other people's sorrows don't negate your own. (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you've gone through this, it's not something I'd wish on anyone :( When I had a miscarriage one of the worst things that was said to me was to "stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over it already" just 2 days after it happened. You should grieve as long as you need to and don't let anyone make you feel bad for it.
oh I am so sorry and you do have a right to feel the way you are feeling. It is normal to feel this way! Sending you a BIG HUGS and hoping you can channel your emotions in a healthy way to move forward in a positive way!
Oh no, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how terrible this must be for you and your husband. Good luck at the doctors. I hope you get some answers!
I'm so very, very sorry and I'll keep you in my prayers. My hearts is bleeding with yours.
You do have a right to feel so sad. You lost a precious babe. It's hard not to have feelings about that. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago. I was so depressed. I was 8 weeks pregnant. It was my first pregnancy. I had so many questions and not many answers. People didn't know how to deal with my loss. People said things trying to help but some of their words were just hurtful. It's a very diffcult thing to go through. Don't doubt your right to feel pain. It hurts no matter how far along you were. If you need to talk please feel free to email me. I'm here for you!
You do have a right to feel so sad. You lost a precious babe. It's hard not to have feelings about that. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago. I was so depressed. I was 8 weeks pregnant. It was my first pregnancy. I had so many questions and not many answers. People didn't know how to deal with my loss. People said things trying to help but some of their words were just hurtful. It's a very diffcult thing to go through. Don't doubt your right to feel pain. It hurts no matter how far along you were. If you need to talk please feel free to email me. I'm here for you!
I am so sorry for your loss.
I can definitively say that my miscarriage was one of the very most painful and difficult things I have ever endured.
Mourn your very real loss. We've been there, and ache for you.
I am a sorry saddened to hear your news! Hugs to you and your hubby :)
I am so sorry for your loss. :( You have every right to feel the way you do. You've suffered a loss and need to mourn. (((hugs)))
You have EVERY right to feel sad and you should definitely not feel guilty. You did everything within your power to ensure a healthy pregnancy and for whatever reason, it was not to be. Allow yourself to grieve, you have lost something very dear to you, it is only then that you'll be able to heal emotionally which is just as important as healing physically.
I am so sorry for your loss and have you and your husband in my prayers.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope things get better for you. It is a terrible thing when you go through something like this. I knows I have had one before. You always feel like you did something to blame. Time will take away the pain though. My thoughts are with you.
So sorry for your loss. I've been through one with my ex-wife and one with my current wife. In each case after the miscarriage we both were very depressed. We had big plans for our child to be. While the doctors, friends, family, etc continue to try to console you and say there was a "reason" - the fact of the matter is the feelings and bonding you went through for that short period of time were real.
In one instance, although it came off as very cold, what the physician told us really hit home. He said, this happens more often than you think. Women just don't talk about it. When was the last time you had a friend say - "Here's the picture of my miscarriage."
Like I said - he was a pretty cold bastard about it - but - after we had time to think about it, he was right. Don't worry - it will pass, but won't be forgotten. Good luck to you in the future.
You have every right to grieve. Each of us show grief in our own way. We lost our little girl to a heart defect when she was almost 2 years old and my brother and his wife lost thier first pregnancy to miscarriage. Will I ever say that one grief is harder to bear than another? Absolutely NOT. Our capacity to love knows no bounds or timelines. Grieve as long as you need. It may be short or it may be long, but let it out. Don't hold it inside. Remember that your husband is grieving too...in his own way. Hold tight to each other...
Hugs,
Angie
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage very early on in my pregnancy before my daughter.
I know the feelings you are having and you are have every right to have them. You have had a loss no matter how early on it was.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I just found you again. I was writing a post and then came upon your post. I'm terribly sorry. I'm in your group as well. This has happened to me a few times. You have every right to feel the way you do. Take it day by day.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I miscarried my first pregnancy. Losing a baby or a child is one of the hardest things ever. Sure there are different feelings, depending on whether it was miscarriage, or the death of an older child, etc. But you have still lost a baby. Don't feel guilty for mourning that loss. All of those feelings, waves of emotion and numbness, fluctuating hormones, it all sounds so familiar to me. I'll be praying for you.
I am very sorry for your loss. Before our 6yr old was born my wife had a miscarriage. It sucked, it hurt for a long time. About 3-4months after the miscarriage we tried again and had our son. We still think about that miscarriage but realize God did it for a reason and we have a beautiful son. God had a plan for you. I know it sucks right know but just try to remember that. I know it is hard and my prayers are with you in this time of need.
I am very sorry for your loss. Before our 6yr old was born my wife had a miscarriage. It sucked, it hurt for a long time. About 3-4months after the miscarriage we tried again and had our son. We still think about that miscarriage but realize God did it for a reason and we have a beautiful son. God had a plan for you. I know it sucks right know but just try to remember that. I know it is hard and my prayers are with you in this time of need.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I too suffered a miscarriage on my third pregnancy. Your loss is very real and you need to morn! Here's hoping you find peace and comfort soon.
i am so sorry to hear this. i am too part of this club that you pray that your friends will never have to join. i will be praying for you!
My best friend and I also became members of this "club." Almost every woman I know that has a child has also had a miscarraige. Sorry for your loss.
You have every right to grieve, and to feel sad. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now. :HUGS:
I just wanted to chime in about your right to have a pity party! First, very normal to be sad. The grief that women feel over miscarriage is to the same degree that women feel over stillbirth, just the duration of grieving is shorter.
And, there is ALWAYS someone in the world who has had it "worse" than you do, has a worse story to tell, or has a worse life. That doesn't mean that your own story doesn't have value or doesn't matter! No matter what happens, you can always do the "it could only be worse" thing, but that invalidates your own experience and your own very real sadness.
I'm sorry about your baby. (((hugs))) My third son died at 14w5d gestation last month.
You have every right to mourn this loss. I lost two pregnancies and the first time was horrible - I was a basket case. The second one I got through a little easier, though, knowing that without the first miscarriage I would never have had Keegan. And after my second miscarriage I immediately got pregnant again and had my Lochlan who turns 2 this month. If it helps you get through it, don't think only of the loss - think of what miracles will come. KWIM. But get through this however you need and find comfort in knowing you aren't alone. :hugs:
oh i'm so very sorry! I had three miscarriages before our first. If it helps to read about other people's journey, you can read mine here
I hope that you can rest and am glad you are remembering.
There is nothing that I can say that you haven't heard or thought, or that will ease the pain. I am so very sorry. You do, though, have EVERY right to feel how you are. Your baby is your baby, no matter how old or how young. Grieve as you need to. Don't try to change it, that will only make things harder on you. You are in my prayers.
I just found your blog today. I too am part of the angel baby club. I'm SO very sorry for what you have gone through. I know the pain all to well, and started experiencing it during my 23rd week....we also have 2 girls already, and to find out that the baby stopped growing at 16 weeks while I was in my 23rd was a really big shock. We went in to find out the sex...it was heart breaking.
I wish I could tell you that it all goes away, that the feelings just stop happening, but they don't. They just happen less abundantly...I think the worst thing I was told was in the delivery room..a nurse said to me, 'at least you're not barefoot and pregnant.' I just stared...I think the best thing for me and my husband to hear was that there is hope. One of the techs that took my blood for tests told me about her recent miscarriage and she was showing...she got pregnant 2 weeks afterwards...so keep your head up, it gets better. It doesn't seem that way most days, and I even went on meds for that first month. Nothing to be ashamed of. I had to do what I did for our girls...it kept me awake when all I wanted to do was sleep, and held the tears back a little so I wasn't sobbing watching Die Hard. ;) I'm around you if feel like talking to a stranger. All day long, actually...well, in between the diaperchanging, bathing b/c my oldest found an errant pen or marker, and meals... :D
lizbug333@yahoo.com
cupcakeliz09-AIM
{{{HUGS}}}
I am so sorry for you. I can not imagine what this would be like. The pain you are having is natural and you should not feel guilty at all about it.
I've been having a pity party over my surgery and that's me being a big baby.
The love of a child begins when the mother bonds, the love to me is the same as when they are born and in your arms
Post a Comment